In the film This Is Spinal Tap, documentary filmmaker Marty DiBergi says he was attracted to make a documentary on Spinal Tap because of their “unusual loudness.” Well ladies and gentleman, we finally have an answer to the question that we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another: What if Spinal Tap decided to move to Austria and become a hardcore death metal band? The answer: Belphegor.

This band has invaded the United States and earns the title of the most ridiculous death metal band you may ever come across. It’s all the more crazy because I’m pretty sure they’re serious. On first listen, you would think that perhaps Kage and Jables have commandeered the studio and moved on from parodying acts like Styx and Dio to Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse. But alas, they’re not that clever and are meant to be taken seriously.

Where to begin with this album? I suppose Belphegor has one thing going for them: they’re loud. Very, very loud. So loud, in fact, that the music and lyrics are mostly indecipherable. Many of the songs have an odd sound to them that seemed to be the same noise Pac-Man made when he ate Power Pellets. And not only do you have that, but they try to play so fast they can’t seem to keep up with one another. Then there are the lyrics that are your standard issue barks and growls about Satan that we’ve come to expect from bands like this. They are augmented with screams that sound like nothing less than a man taking a huge shit. Finally, the photos of the band members look like two guys who decided to dress up as heavy metal musicians for Halloween.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with death metal or being really loud; all a brother asks is that you bring something to the table. Something like interesting instrumentation, surprising time changes, or even, god forbid, some sense of rhythm or melody. The only track that even resembles having that is “Angel of Retribution,” the most listenable song on the album.

Still, something inside me sort of enjoyed this, in a so bad, it’s good kind of way. For that, it gets two stars. They also get a bonus two stars for the fact that the album artwork resembles what looks like the Baltimore Ravens logo with a backdrop of skulls and gothic cathedrals. I did kind of like that. I really cannot wait for their cover of “Big Bottom” on the next album.